Compatibility

How to Be More Attractive: What to Expect

By Kenneth Kintsugi, holistic relationship specialist · Aug 26, 2026 · 7 min read

Search "how to be more attractive" and most of what comes back is a grooming checklist: better haircut, better clothes, more time at the gym. None of that is wrong exactly, but it skips the part that actually decides whether attraction turns into anything. The research on attraction has been consistent for sixty years on one point: the traits that make someone appealing on sight are not the same traits that make someone worth staying for. Here's what the research actually says moves the needle, and what to realistically expect once you apply it.

The first impression forms faster than you'd think

In a well known 2006 study published in Psychological Science, researchers Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov showed participants photographs of faces for as little as 100 milliseconds, a tenth of a second, then asked them to rate attractiveness, likeability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness. The snap judgments people made in that tenth of a second correlated highly with the judgments they made with no time limit at all. Giving people more time to look didn't change their minds much; it mostly made them more confident in the read they'd already formed. That's the uncomfortable part of attraction: a real chunk of it is decided before anyone has said a word.

Warmth gets judged before competence

What are people actually reading in that split second? Psychologists Susan Fiske, Amy Cuddy, and Peter Glick spent years mapping how people size each other up, and their 2007 paper in Trends in Cognitive Sciences narrowed it to two dimensions: warmth (does this person mean me well) and competence (can they act on it). Warmth gets assessed first, because historically it mattered more; knowing someone is capable is less useful if you don't yet know whether they're safe to be around. Translated to dating, the first thing a stranger is reading off you isn't your jawline. It's whether you seem glad to be there, present, and easy, before it's whether you seem impressive.

Why familiarity beats a strong opening line

None of this means the initial read is destiny. One of the most replicated findings in social psychology is the mere exposure effect, first documented by Robert Zajonc in a 1968 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: simply being repeatedly exposed to something, a face, a song, a stranger at the same coffee shop, makes people rate it more favorably over time, with no new information added. It's a large part of why people describe someone "growing on them," and why a middling first date sometimes turns into real interest by the third. Attraction isn't fixed at first sight. Consistency and repeated, low pressure contact do real work.

The matching hypothesis, and where it breaks

There's an old idea that people pair off with others who match their own level of attractiveness, first tested at a 1966 "computer dance" run by Elaine Walster and colleagues. Students were told they'd been matched by computer on compatibility, but were actually paired at random. During the dance, the single strongest predictor of how much someone liked their date turned out to be that date's physical attractiveness. Personality, similarity, nothing else came close. On the surface, that looks like bad news for anyone hoping substance matters. But when Walster ran a follow-up that let people actually meet and interact first, rather than being paired blind, the result flipped: people who were similar in attractiveness to their date rated each other more highly, and stayed interested longer. The blind, single-night version of attraction runs almost entirely on looks. The version that includes real conversation, and a little time, runs on fit.

What actually moves the needle

Given all that, the changes worth making are the ones that affect how you come across in person, not just in a photo:

• Grooming and fit matter, but only as a floor. Clean, well-fitted clothes and basic upkeep remove distractions; they rarely create attraction on their own.
• Posture and eye contact read as confidence before you've said anything. Open body language signals you're not a threat and not anxious about being there, which is warmth-adjacent territory.
• Listening does more than talking. Because warmth is judged first and mostly through attention rather than achievement, genuine curiosity about the other person outperforms having interesting things to say about yourself.
• Showing up more than once, when it's genuine, uses the mere exposure effect honestly. A second and third low-pressure interaction lets someone's read of you improve on its own.

What to expect once you do this

None of this turns anyone into someone they're not, and it shouldn't. What changes is the odds at the point where it counts most: the first conversation and the first date. Confidence and warmth are what earn a genuine yes to a second date, and they're also the traits an experienced matchmaker screens for beyond a photo, because they're what a photo can't show. Expect a better first impression, not a different personality. Expect it to compound over repeated interactions faster than any grooming change would on its own. And expect the effect to matter most in exactly the setting matchmaking is built around: one unhurried introduction with someone who already has reason to be curious about you, rather than a cold scroll where a tenth of a second is all you get.

The bottom line

Attractiveness research keeps landing on the same conclusion from different angles. The split-second read is real, but it's a starting point, not a verdict. Warmth outweighs polish, familiarity outperforms a strong opening line, and the version of attraction that survives past one night is the one built on paying attention to the other person, not performing for them.

Frequently asked questions

What actually makes someone more attractive?

Research consistently points to warmth and confidence, not physical polish, as the traits that predict lasting attraction. People judge trustworthiness and warmth within a tenth of a second of meeting someone (Willis and Todorov, 2006), and warmth is assessed before competence in nearly every social judgment (Fiske, Cuddy and Glick, 2007). Grooming and fit set a floor; open body language, eye contact, and genuine attentiveness do the rest.

Can you become more attractive to someone over time?

Yes. The mere exposure effect, documented by Robert Zajonc in 1968, shows that repeated, low-pressure contact with someone measurably improves how favorably they are viewed, with no new information added. It's a well established reason a mediocre first impression can turn into real interest by a second or third meeting, rather than attraction being fixed at first sight.

Does physical attractiveness matter more than personality when dating?

It depends on the setting. In a classic 1966 study where students were randomly paired for one blind dance, physical attractiveness was the single strongest predictor of how much they liked their date. A follow-up study that let people meet and interact first found personality and similar attractiveness levels mattered far more. The blind, single-encounter version of attraction runs on looks; the version with real conversation runs on fit.